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Tommy Herschell was often the first one at the pub and the last one to leave. He says his need for connection was a ‘bucket to fill’.
But he admits his craving wasn’t always healthy.
Tommy’s parents separated when he was 10 years old, and alcohol helped to dull his pain.
“For so long, I just didn’t process any of my emotions,” he told Insight.
“And I probably didn’t have people around me that allowed me to do that. I had a lot of mates that enabled me to do all the silly things and be the life of the party.”
Tommy says he acted like “the life of the party”, but his behaviour was hiding insecurities. Source: Supplied
Over time, Tommy realised the crowd he enjoyed hanging out with weren’t good for him.
“None of the boys that I was with would really challenge me. From the outside, I was that bloke that was a bit rude, cheeky … always over the top, probably telling stories that weren’t always too true, seeking attention … because I was so bloody insecure.”
One night, Tommy said he drunk so much he “lost the plot”.
“[I] sort of smashed around the house and caused a lot of chaos.”
His wife urged him to call his close mate Neil, who called him out on his drinking.
For Tommy, the rebuke came as a shock.
“I thought, wow, that’s my first mate that’s dogged me,” he said.
“There’s that rule, you don’t dog your mates. You leave them alone … you don’t snitch on them. And he did the opposite.”
The next day Tommy contacted a rehab facility, and was soon in counselling to process the pain from his past.
“[Neil] pulled me up and he saved my life and saved my family,” Tommy said.
‘The moment the activity went away, the people went away’
Fabrizio Spada has lived in Australia for almost 14 years and has experienced cultural differences in how men bond here compared to his home country Italy.
“Everybody’s friendly, everybody has to go out for a beer, everybody on a first name basis, but then to get from arm’s length to you to the person, it takes a very long time,” he said.
Fabrizio has tried bonding with other men through activities but found some of those relationships were short-lived.
Fabrizio Spada said he noticed a difference in how men interact in Australia compared with Italy. Source: Supplied
“It could be a game of trivia at the pub with a group of friends, or a game of golf, or finding someone who wants to get fit,” he said.
“The moment the activity went away, the people went away. I literally lost friends. Friends that I thought were willing to keep investing in the friendship despite or beyond the activity.”
Fabrizio said in Italy, there was a greater interest in simply bonding with friends over an evening together around food and drinks.
“That’s probably without activities where we had the chance of building those deeper relationships,” he said.
The ‘mateship crisis’
Research from the highlights the ‘mateship crisis’ in Australia.
The research, which focuses on social connection and men’s health in Australia, found that one in 25 men have no close friends or relatives and one in four men have no one to share their private worries and fears with.
According to experts, men’s social circles are shrinking. Source: Getty / Justin Paget/Getty Images
After dealing with the aftermath of a breakup, Joey (surname withheld) struggled to maintain his friendships as the mental load took its toll.
“When I did split with my partner in 2019, I slipped away from who I was. I started looking to ways to retract from the day,” Joey said.
“I stopped hanging out with my friends and having those close, personal connections, and I just really looked for any exit I could to the day. And over the six months, that bred so much loneliness and almost grief of the person that I used to be.”
Australian drinking culture
When it comes to adverse health outcomes and early death, loneliness can have the same impact as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, according to a by men’s health organisation Healthy Male.
In fact, it was found that loneliness in men, increases the likelihood of early death by 26 per cent, which is greater than the risk of obesity.
Clinical psychologist Dr Zac Seidler said male friendship and connection can be lifesaving.
“In Australia, men account for three out of four suicides,” he said.
Dr Zac Seidler says men face lack of connection as they age. Source: Supplied
“The reason that men live longer is because they have a male friend in their life who they can talk to. It provides that safety of shared connection, shared experience that you’re not going to get elsewhere,”
It’s (male friendship) filled with banter. It’s taking the piss. It is beauty, emotion, connection, and it’s really, really rich. And it should be respected for what it is and what it can be,” he said.
Seidler said it’s common for men to lose friends as they age and stop participating in activities such as sport.
“Especially amongst men, when you are doing something that is so experiential, that once it leaves, you don’t seem to have a shared connection anymore. So trying to do those things, but also sharing other parts of yourself when you’re doing it, is going to lead to greater success in the long term,” he said.
“Once men lose that youthful exuberance, that ability to sink schooners together, that ability to do crazy sporting activities that you can’t do as your body starts to fall apart, there’s this reluctance to actually find new opportunities,” he said.
Seidler said it’s important for men in that situation to seek out new opportunities for connection.
Helping men carry the load
Willem Van Zanten meets a group of roughly 20 men every Saturday at 7am to ‘suffer’.
He provides a variety of different weights for the men to carry on a walking trail, with some opting to walk barefoot.
“We carry a load, literally and metaphorically, physical load, emotional load. We go for a walk and either during or afterwards, we sit down and talk,” he said.
Willem said his group, called Carry and Connect, has acted as a tool for men to share things they normally don’t want to discuss.
“If you’re carrying weight while your muscles are switched on, you feel sturdy and it’s a lot easier to express ‘yeah, I’m actually having a really hard time’,” he said.
“What we realise through these sessions, talking about our issues, makes the other men realise they’re not alone.”
For Tommy, after his friend called out his behaviour, he sought help and changed his lifestyle.
He still goes to the pub with close friends, but he’s changed his focus around the activity.
“I’ll hang around with blokes that say that they’re keen to have one or two, but that they are running in the morning, so they’ll head home early,” he said.
“I’ve found the best way for me to maintain friendships these days is to find mates or spend time around mates that are going to allow me to be the best person that I can be.”
* An earlier version of this article was published in August 2024.
More information and support with mental health is available at and on 1300 22 4636 and at and on 1300 78 99 78.
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