Watch Insight episode Baby Drought, exploring why more are choosing not to have children and what society will look like in 40 years as a result, on
From a young age, I knew I wanted to be a mum. It’s always felt like an inherent part of my character.
I’ve had a list of baby names since I was little, and it’s still saved on my phone.
Growing up as a child of divorce, with a father who wasn’t around much, I was extremely close with my mum — and whose confidence and maternal instinct grew tenfold after the split.
I saw her evolve from someone who couldn’t cook or drive into a fully-fledged mum, which made me aware of the enormous sacrifice and love involved in motherhood.
Cara believes love for one’s children is greater than any other kind of love. Source: Supplied
I long to experience the joy of bringing life into the world, the journey of growing alongside my children and passing on my family’s culture, traditions and values.
And passing on the beautiful and quirky things about me and my other half.
I believe a person’s relationship with their children isn’t comparable to any other relationship — that it’s a love greater than any other type of love.
Is dating culture broken?
Ultimately, the biggest barrier to having children is that I simply haven’t found anyone with whom I have the required depth of connection, or with whom I could see myself settling down.
Dating is a lot trickier these days.
The apps have changed the way we communicate and view relationships, love and intimacy.
Many of us swipe away, in search of a short-term dopamine hit, which is ultimately quelling our yearning for something more.
We find ourselves settling for dates with ‘maybes’.
, always imagining there’s someone out there we’re more compatible with or who brings that special spark.
As a result, many of us aren’t as vulnerable with people as we can be.
We know that, if it doesn’t immediately work out, there’s always someone else just a swipe away.
There’s been a generational shift in how we date, and I believe this is partially why
Dating is an emotional battlefield, not always suited for the soft-hearted or those who want to follow the traditional route to marriage.
Modern anxieties around parenthood
But I don’t just blame modern dating culture.
There are so many other anxieties that can come with the choice to have a child.
For one, to rise year after year.
Without a partner to share the responsibility, I feel that raising a child as a single parent without earning a very high income
Climate change is also a major issue —
We have an uncertain future ahead and I know friends who have opted not to bring a child into the world for this reason.
Is it really a surprise that we’re prioritising our own self-preservation, happiness, well-being and security rather than preparing ourselves for babies?
Not willing to compromise
Despite my longing for children, I’ve never felt much pressure from family or friends.
I don’t want a child because of any outside expectations. It’s a deeply held desire, a feeling I don’t think will ever go away.
For six years, I was in a long-distance relationship with someone whom I thought would be my life partner and with whom I’d maybe start a family.
Dating is an emotional battlefield, not always suited for the soft-hearted or those who want to follow the traditional route to marriage.
Cara Ling
When we first started dating, we briefly discussed the possibility of children. He said he didn’t want kids.
I thought that might change with time but it didn’t, so we had to end it.
“You’re going to despise me if we’re together [in the future] and I still don’t want kids,” he told me.
Looking back, I’m so thankful we decided to end the relationship.
, not something I have to compromise.
Last year, I turned 30. In the three years since my last relationship ended, I’ve casually dated but have been single by choice because I haven’t felt a deep connection with anyone who’s particularly intentional about their future.
The biggest barrier to having children is not finding anyone Cara could see herself settling down with. Source: Supplied
, I accept it may not happen until later in life.
Or it may remain a dream I don’t get to fulfil.
For now, I’m okay with letting things take their course. I realise this might seem like a contradiction — feeling such a deep longing while not making a huge effort to make it happen.
But I know I’m not alone with many in my age group feeling this way.
We’ll just continue to take it one step at a time, with hope and good humour to carry us along.
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