This article contains references to domestic violence, and suicide and self-harm.
The conversation around domestic violence in culturally and linguistically diverse communities gained traction on TikTok in January when Canberra-based social worker Suvechya Lamichhane shared a 14-part series about a woman caught in an abusive relationship.
In her story, she highlighted various forms of abuse — physical, mental, financial, and .
Lamichhane said cultural conditioning played a major role in why some educated, financially independent women stayed in abusive relationships.
Suvechya Lamichhane shared a story about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship. Credit: Supplied / TikTok
According to some traditions in South Asian communities, marriage is considered a lifelong bond, extending across seven lifetimes.
“We are married for seven lifetimes and divorcing in one is just out of question … We don’t just marry a person; we marry their family,” Lamichhane, who is of Nepali heritage, said.
She said this deep-rooted belief, combined with societal expectations that a wife was responsible for her husband’s well-being, often kept women in cycles of abuse.
“That’s our upbringing — we are taught to prioritise family, to make others happy, often at the cost of our own wellbeing.”
How societal and cultural pressures hold back victims
Melbourne resident Nita* (not her real name), who came to Australia from Nepal, said she had endured an abusive marriage for a decade due to her husband’s gambling addiction and coercive control.
Initially, she said she didn’t recognise the abuse, as it wasn’t physical, and later stayed for the sake of her child.
“I was made to believe that a child needs a father and that I had to tolerate it,” she told SBS Nepali.
Deep family ties and fear of societal judgement are other reasons that kept her from leaving.
“After marriage, we are taught to listen to our husbands, and fights are normalised. We’re told to take care of the family and keep family matters private,” she explained.
Bobby Lama from Whittlesea Community Connections, a community-based organisation in Victoria, works in gender equity and family violence support.
Lama now recognises what domestic violence is, something she was unaware of when she was a victim herself.
Lama said many women did not report abuse due to cultural pressures, fear of isolation and financial dependence.
“Leaving doesn’t just mean walking away from a partner, it means being cut off from the entire family. Friends may also distance themselves, and that fear of isolation keeps many women from leaving,” she said.
Bobby Lama believes that many women don’t even realise they are experiencing family violence because abuse is often seen only in physical terms. Source: Supplied / Bobby Lama
Roshani Shrestha, president of women’s support group Didi Bahini Samaj Victoria (DBSV), said while social workers can’t intervene directly they can connect victims to the right resources.
Last year, DBSV supported 75 survivors, with many cases involving women on dependent visas facing financial, social and cultural control, she said.
The cycle of abuse
Lamichhane said many victims hesitated to leave and even if they did, some level of emotional attachment often led them to repeatedly return to the abuser.
Lamichhane describes the cycle victims experience: tension buildup, an abusive incident, the abuser’s apology, and gaslighting, followed by the “honeymoon phase” — until the cycle repeats.
Manorama Shah, a Melbourne-based nurse, knows this all too well. It took her 14 years to leave her marriage.
Manorama Shah recalls the psychological dependency that made her feel as though she couldn’t survive without her partner. Source: Supplied / Manorama Shah
Shah recalls early warning signs, such as dowry demands, but dismissed them.
“I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t accept it as my reality. I had no past relationship to compare it with, so I wasn’t sure if it was normal,” she said.
Though financially independent, she said she felt psychologically trapped.
“Your confidence erodes over time, and before you know it, you stop recognising yourself,” Shah said.
For Lama, the question “Why don’t you just leave?” is never easy to answer.
“The pain of ending a relationship can feel just as deep as grief after a death of a family member,” she said.
The legal aspect
Domestic violence is a criminal offence in Australia, though laws vary by state.
However, Khilendra Raj Timsina, a Sydney-based solicitor specialising in family and criminal law, explains that not all cases lead to criminal charges.
“Criminal charges are usually laid when both parties live together, and police are called during the violence,” Timsina explained.
Police can issue protection orders like Intervention Order (IVO), Apprehended Violence Order (AVO), or Domestic Violence Order (DVO) to safeguard victims, he added.
Timsina said that due to religious, cultural and family values, many cases went unreported and never reached the legal system.
Khilendra Raj Timsina said that not all domestic violence cases lead to criminal charges. Source: Supplied / Khilendra Raj Timsina
Lama highlights that a lack of legal knowledge sometimes prevents victims from making informed choices.
She said that migrant women on partner visas had legal protections, including family violence provisions allowing them to apply for permanent visas if they left an abusive relationship.
“Free legal services are available in every council. Get advice from the right sources,” she added.
How to be supportive
Nita emphasised the importance of non-judgemental support.
She remembers the day her husband threatened her life, forcing her to take shelter at a neighbour’s house.
Then a friend’s intervention helped her leave her abusive husband.
“She picked me up and even brought my son from childcare,” she recalled.
Lamichhane said the best way to support someone in an abusive situation was to let them know you were there to listen.
She said it was best to avoid asking questions like, “Why did you stay so long?”, or “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” These could make them feel blamed or judged, she added.
Impact on children and mental health
Anupam Pokharel, a Melbourne-based psychiatrist, said that children raised in a violent environment often blamed themselves for their parents’ conflicts, leading to low self-confidence compared to those raised in a loving home.
Another major impact is learning and normalising abusive behaviour.
“If a child sees their father yelling at their mother or their mother mistreating their father, they might grow up thinking this is normal,” Pokharel explained.
Melbourne-based psychiatrist Anupam Pokharel notes that many of his patients have some level of exposure to violence. Credit: SBS Nepali
Pokharel added that children who experienced emotional neglect in a volatile home environment were at higher risk of developing anxiety, depression, irritability and clinginess.
“Besides these impacts, children might engage in self-harm. As they grow older, there is an increased risk of a drug overdose and substance abuse in their teenage years,” he said.
Trauma for the victim
Nita only now realises she experienced depression after marriage, even having suicidal thoughts.
“For me, depression meant being psychotic. I had no awareness of what it really was. But looking back, I now see that after two years of marriage, I was already having suicidal thoughts,” she said.
Pokharel also highlighted the link between domestic violence and mental health, noting many of his patients have experienced violence.
The mental health impact, he explained, depended on social or residential status, the severity of violence and past mental health history.
Nita said if someone noticed signs of abuse, it was best to leave that relationship otherwise it could cost them their mental, physical and social wellbeing.
“If you are on the wrong train, get off it immediately otherwise it will be costly.”
If you or someone you know is impacted by family and domestic violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732, or visit .
Readers seeking crisis support can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 and Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (for young people aged up to 25). More information and support with mental health is available at and on 1300 22 4636.
In an emergency, call 000. , operated by No to Violence, can be contacted on 1300 766 491.
